Wake Up Call

So, yesterday was my birthday. Yep, that's right. A big one, too.

Honestly, I'd been dreading the day for weeks. Not because of the zero attached to the year, but because this is the first time I've not had my darling man beside me to share the special day since I was twenty two. We've been together a long time (though not nearly long enough!) and the birthday thing was pretty important to us. So, I wasn't keen on the day coming along.

I knew it would be tough, on many levels. One issue was the whole waking-up ordeal. You get it, don't you? Yesterday was the first birthday I had to wake up and face the day without my love beside me, smiling and cheering me on, singing Happy Birthday in a scratchy, early morning voice.

Wednesday night I fell asleep with a leaden feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew I'd have to wake up--alone--and hated the thought.

You know, sometimes life has a sense of humor. Or, at the very least, a small measure of compassion.

Yesterday I woke to the sound of the phone ringing. Before wakefulness unfogged my brain, I leapt from the bed, dashed to the phone and answered.

A sleepy, "Hello?" was greeted by a familiar accent. Our friend Judy, calling all the way from Australia to wish me well on my special day! What a lovely surprise!

And you know the best part? I didn't begin the day alone, as I had feared. Nope, "our gal Jude"--as Vito always called her--helped me, and my day began with a wonderful conversation. Thanks, Judy!

And the rest of the day? Well, I won't lie. It had its rough moments, but then every day since I lost my husband has hard moments. But the day also had its share of pleasure. I spent it with my mom and stepdad and while we didn't paint the town red, we found a safe harbor in the sea of grief we've all been dealing with. A good lunch, trip to church and home for tea made for an enjoyable day.

So. One year older. I've got to admit, I don't feel that zero at all. Not one bit!

How has your week been?

Insomnia

I've been having a tough time sleeping. I'm told it's a common issue among those in my situation. Nights are long and I hate tossing and turning so I get out of bed and look around the house for something useful to occupy my time. Then, I get moving.

Last night? The hum of my sewing machine kept me company. My hands were busy, the hours flew by and I've got something to show for my efforts. Want to see?

I know that sooner or later I'll learn how to sleep alone. Until then, I'm determined to stay busy and productive. Maybe tonight I'll sleep. If not, the kitchen cupboards need reorganizing. Then, I've got baby quilts to tackle. And if that doesn't do it...well, I'm out of ideas. Any suggestions? What do you do when insomnia comes calling?

Enough!

Dear Mother Nature,

Put down the martini. You're cut off.

Now, stop with the funny stuff or I'll take away the Twinkies, too.

Very sincerely,
Weary Shoveler

Saturday Night Silliness

"It was a dark and stormy night..."

Sorry, I couldn't resist. But really, last night was windy, rainy and once darkness fell I wondered what I'd do to fill the long hours. Then, inspiration! Some Saturday night silliness! Yes, I knew just the thing...

Some cutting, sewing and instant fun. The chickens make me smile whenever I see them. That's why I bought the fabric--because it made me giggle in the store. Anyhow, the time flew by and before I knew it I had a half-dozen silly little bags lined up.

What did you do last night? Anything interesting?

And, was it dark and stormy outside your windows? Hmm?

Hope you have a great Sunday! Me? I'm off to work on the new book. Then, who knows? Maybe I'll spend the evening sewing again. Or maybe I'll just curl up by the fire with a good book, a cup of chai and while away the quiet hours. Peaceful, that's what I've got planned for the rest of this day. I wish you peace, as well.

Microwave Magic

My husband was an amazing cook. In fact, when we were young and just starting out, I told him a truth.

"I can't cook." I figured it'd be best if he found out before he sat down at the dinner table.

He didn't miss a beat. With a sweet grin, he shot back, "That's ok. I can."

It was no lie. The man could make magic with a few simple ingredients, a skillet and a wooden spoon. Eventually he taught me kitchen skills, as well. Since we were never apart, it just made sense that I'd learn from him. By the time we moved to this house, we took the kitchen renovation very seriously because one of our favorite activities was cooking. Yeah, we spent lots of time in the kitchen.

You know where this is going, don't you? I haven't yet gotten to the point where I can cook without him. Let's face it, cooking for one has got to be pretty lonely when you're used to doing it for two--with your favorite person.

So, what's a girl to do when she can't face the pots and pans? Fortunately, I've found a lifesaver. That's right, after the first lean weeks I found a solution to the cooking issue.

All I can say is, thank you Amy! I discovered Amy's Kitchen meals. They're tasty, quick and require no hands-on cooking. I pop them into the microwave and a couple of minutes later I've got a meal. Not a bad thing at all.

This is my first experience with frozen dinners, and I've got to say I am pleasantly surprised. I expected...well, let's not go there. I'm getting tasty, nutritionally sound meals without any added stress. All good, I think.

I know I'll eventually find my way back to our kitchen. For now, though, I'll let Amy feed me. What about you? Have you had good results with frozen meals? Or are you the way we were, cook-from-scratch folks? And, have you any recommendations, microwave meal-wise? My favorite Amy's is the Black Bean Enchilada Whole Meal. If you're looking for a break from cooking, I heartily recommend you give it a go.

Now that I've got the cooking issue solved, I'm free to spend a relaxing weekend watching raindrops bounce off the porch! Hope you have a peaceful day!

Slow Down!

You know, the universe is a funny place sometimes. Just when you think you're up to getting up and running, something or someone puts the brakes on your mad dash. At least, that's what's happening to me.

Ahh! Color me frustrated.

Apparently I've been "doing too much." Me? I just figured I was trying to find our old life. According to two doctors in two weeks, I should be finding things a bit more slowly. I'm not going to get discouraged (much) and since both women are very wise I'm going to take their advice. They have my best interests at heart, so I should be smart enough to listen, right?

This weekend I plan to sit back, relax by the fireplace and pamper myself a bit. I may do my nails. I'll dust off a crossword puzzle book, sharpen my pencil and get to it. I'll read. And, since hefting my netbook can hardly be considered over-exertion, I'll open the new book file and lose myself in the new story.

You know, this slowing down doesn't sound all bad, does it? I might just get used to this lifestyle change...for a day or so! I'm not sure I was made for the slower lifestyle, but I'm going to give it a go for the weekend. We'll see what happens.

So, what about you? Do you have any weekend plans?

Smart Women

Just a short post this morning, since my new book is actually calling me. Oh, what a good feeling! And how fabulous to feel good, even for a little while.

A few days ago a very smart woman told me something that's stuck in my head. I know it may seem obvious to all of you, but please remember you're not mourning your best friend. Anyhow, Cousin Joann asked if I have plans for my upcoming birthday. The truth? No, I don't. For many reasons. I just can't get past the idea that this will be the first birthday since I was 22 that my darling man won't be making my birthday cake, singing to me or sharing my special day. It's going to be difficult, so no, I haven't made plans.

Cousin Joann understood my feelings, as I knew she would. She always understands everything. Then, she gave me the morsel of advice I've had running through my mind since we spoke. What did she say?

"It's all right if you choose to be alone on your birthday, just as long as you know you don't have to suffer."

She cut right to the heart of what I'm feeling. I miss him so much, and it seems so wrong to celebrate without him. So, I'm not going to celebrate. But, thanks to Joann, I'm not going to suffer, either. At least I'm going to try not to intentionally suffer. He would hate that. He wanted me to live, but I am sure he, too, understands that I'm just not ready to celebrate anything--not even my birthday.

The takeaway? Surround yourself with smart women. The smart women in my life are pulling me through this, and I couldn't be more grateful. I don't believe I'd be able to do any of this without them.

Thanks, Joann.

Now, to the new book. The heroine is named Lola, and I'm trying to make her as smart as she can be!

Have you had any bits of advice that have helped you lately?

The Best-Laid Plans...

Last February we ordered a box of seeds from Burpee. We perused the catalog, bought vegetables and flowers. We wrote a large check, telling ourselves that the flowers would bring us joy and the veggies would feed us all year.

Life throws twists at us, as we all know. The gardens didn't get planted last year, but we told ourselves that we'd be all set for this year's gardens. Seeds don't go bad; we figured we'd plant everything this year and be filled with joy as well as being well fed.

A few days ago I opened the expensive Burpee box. Evindently the box had a visitor while we were in the hospital in Boston. The mouse must have been very, very hungry because the little rat, er... mousie, ate every last seed.

Not exactly bringing me joy or feeding me, this box. Can you see where the packets are chewed open? Ahh!

I did pick up some pepper seeds about a month ago, purely because I couldn't resist the pretty photo on the packet. Good thing I did!

I'll be perusing the shelves at the local Agway for seeds to replace the ones eaten by our univited guest. What about you? Planning to do any gardening this year?

Snowday Sewing

Yesterday Dru asked what I'm creating with my sewing machine. I will share with you what I'm doing, but only if you'll indulge me first by listening to how this sewing adventure came about.

One afternoon last summer my husband was flicking through the channels on the television in his hospital room. He was such a great guy; when he found a sewing program he stopped channel surfing. He knew I'd enjoy the show, so we watched it. That particular day the hostess was showing how to make handbags. When the show was over, my guy turned to me, grinned and said, "You'd like to do that. When we get home, I think you should make some handbags. It looks like fun." I agreed, and the idea was born.

So...I'm home. And, I'll admit, kind of lonely. But we had a good idea last summer, and good ideas don't go bad. So, on these snowy afternoons I'm keeping busy. Yes, I'm making handbags. Want to see?

This little black bag is the first one I made. I've been using it for the past three weeks or so. It's the perfect size for my wallet, keys and phone. It even has pockets for lipstick and a tissue.

I love this hand-dyed fabric. So tropical, don't you think?

A handbag gathering on the kitchen table. Too funny!

I've made a couple of these, just because the colors make me smile.

So there you have it. I'm keeping busy here on the farm. What have you been up to?

Snowy Saturday

Guess what we got yesterday. No surprise, is it?

We've been snowbound for weeks now, something I don't mind one bit. The snow clearing and wood stacking keeps me busy. An added bonus is that there's no need to hit the gym when you're working your tush off in the yard!

I love the way snow makes even the ordinary extraordinary, don't you?

Hope you enjoy your weekend. Me? I hear there's more of the white stuff in the forecast. I've got my shovel ready!

Found!

Recently I "found" a book. Not exactly newsworthy, is it? I mean, people find books all the time, don't they? I'm sure you've even found a book or two in your day, haven't you?

The part about this discovery that's got me jazzed is the fact that the book is one I wrote. Then, I forgot about it. Really. I finished this book shortly before our medical crisis escalated. I even gave it the red pencil treatment. It's polished and ready to go out into the world. Surprisingly, it's not even dusty!

So now I've got a mission. Yes, that's right, I've got to find this romance a home. I mean, a homeless, forgotten love story just doesn't sit right with me--especially when the tale comes straight from my heart.

I'll let you know how I fare trying to place this book. But first...it's a drab, wintery day, the perfect sort of day for falling into a good story. Me? I've got a date with a cup of steaming chai, a comfy chair beside a roaring fire and the prospect of rediscovering some old friends.

So tell me, have you found anything lately that's brought a smile to your face?

A First Step

We all have a "worst" nightmare, something that scuttles about in the deepest, darkest corners of our minds, a scenario we pray will never come true. I would give anything not to have to tell you this, but my worst nightmare recently became my reality.

Eight weeks ago I lost my best friend, my soul mate, my hero. My darling husband was a true warrior, and fought long and hard, but ultimately the leukemia that invaded our happy lives refused to release its grip on him. I know he is at peace now, free from suffering and pain. There is some measure of comfort in that, yet I miss him more than I can say. My heart is broken. I had no idea grief could be this achingly profound.

"Life goes on."

If I had a dime for every time I've heard those words these last weeks, I'd have bulging, jingling pockets. I know people are just trying to help but it's hard to believe that life can indeed go on when my heart, soul and mind are all lamenting the life I've lost.

Yet somewhere inside this broken woman (believe me, there are some moments when I feel completely shattered so "broken" fits) lurks the niggling thought that somehow, some way, I have a chance to reclaim at least a smidgen of the blissful life we had before the cancer struck. I know my life will never be what it was. How could it be? The center of my universe has moved on without me.

Still, I know I've got to find a way to recapture some of the joy that filled our world. Vito would not want me to build a wall of misery around myself and quite honestly, I'm not prepared to do that. He fought so valiantly for every minute that I refuse to waste any of the days allotted to me. I want him to be content in Heaven, not railing over my self-imposed imprisonment in an impenetrable fortress of grief.

I always believed the "writers write" adage. It apparently holds true for widowed writers, as well. It's been ages since I put fingers to keyboard but just sitting here chatting with you brings a small measure of freedom from the anguish that has become so familiar.

This feels...dare I say it?...good. It's a small thing, I know, but it's my first step back to...well, back to being someone I recognize.

To all of you who were incredibly kind, loving and supportive during Vito's agonizing illness, thank you. I will be eternally grateful for all you did for us. We could never have made it as far as we did without your help.

Thanks for continuing on the journey with me. I know I'm blessed to have such an amazing support system.

And to those of you (you know who you are!) who've oh-so casually asked, "When do you think you'll get back to writing?", here's my answer:

"Now."

My fabulous husband made himself very clear on this point. He wanted me to continue writing. And me? I want to--no, that's not right--I need to keep writing.

Writing will fill some of the long, lonely hours that suddenly face me. It might help turn my upside-down world back on its feet. And the best part? Before long, I'll be lost in a romance where the hero is strong, brave, loyal, sexy, funny, intelligent...

You get the idea. If I begin writing again, a portion of my days will be spent in the company of a dashing hero with curly black hair. I'll fall back into the wonderfully romantic dreams such a hero inspires, hopefully leaving some of this worst nightmare pain behind. I'll...

Ah...excuse me. It seems there's a book calling me. Or, at least, the hero beckons. I'll let you know how this story progresses. For now, I'm off to open a new file, and take that first step. Wish me well!